Celeborn's Surprise
by Aijin
Summary: The Fellowship stops over in 'Lorien and Celeborn gathers them for counsel. He never expected a musical number. [Humor, Parody, Slash, Cross-dressing, Author Liberty Abuse]


Well this definitely falls under the category of "I was on crack when I wrote this" type fic. Massive OOC-ness and of course, it doesn't belong in the timeline carefully laid by J.R.R. This is merely a comedy piece — I took liberties. 

I do not own LotR nor do I claim to. Also, I do not own the song "Which Backstreet Boy is Gay?" by Weird Al Yankovic. I merely adjusted the lyrics a bit. 

If you have NOT heard the song mentioned above, I strongly recommend you do before reading this, it will help greatly. However, I hope some of the comedy can be found without know the song. 

Warning (if applicable): Slash, Cross-dressing   


Celeborn's Surprise 

Celeborn sat on his high throne in the middle of the pavilion, surrounded by the eight members of the Fellowship from Imladris. He pinched the bridge of his nose, willing away the headache that crept round his head. 

/Sure, Elrond, send them my way once they have truly snapped. Sure! I'm Lord of 'Lorien, I can deal with them! No problem…/ The elf lord sighed, looking to the eight coldly. /No problem at all…/ 

Two nights and two days had the Fellowship of the Ring spent in the glorious wood of Lothlorien, and in two days and two nights had all fallen to a place worse than even Sauron's bedchambers. 

Even since those eight had arrived, strange happenings were… happening… around the Wood. Take, for instance, the ruckus Lord Celeborn had stumbled into early yester-eve that had once been a calm garrison. 

In the pre-dawn hours he had been woken to loud hoots and hollers, the like he had never heard ere then, in all his long years. Bleary-eyed and hair unkempt, he had walked into the garrison — shortly after he had run out. But not before catching the eight persons of the Fellowship in some… questionable… positions. However, he did solve the question of where many of Galadriel's and their visiting grand-daughter's dresses had gone off too… 

Celeborn shook his head as he took in the group yet again. 

The Halflings scuffled their large feet against the floor, eyes downcast and cheeks flushed brightly. Two of them… The two cousins?… held each other closely. Too closely. Bah, Hobbits. 

The Dwarf looked anywhere but at the Elf Lord. Which was fine by Celeborn. The many plaits in the Dwarf's beard unnerved him… not to mention the blue powder on his eyelids and red polish on his nails… 

One of the men, Elrond's fosterling, and the Elf of Mirkwood stood side-by-side, hand-in-hand, practically attached at the hip. Celeborn sighed. Poor Arwen's dresses would never look the same on her. Yet Legolas did manage to fill most of the curves quite nicely… Figures that one of Mirkwood would. 

The single member of the Fellowship that had his normal attire on and was quietly grumbling caught Celebor's eye. Straining his Elven ears, Celeborn eavesdropped, so to speak, on the Man. 

"Does anyone listen to me when I say take the Ring to Gondor? Noooo. And look what happens! They all lose their flippin' minds and I'm stuck traipsing around with unnatural Halflings, a gay Dwarf, and cross-dressing Man and Elf!" 

Celeborn withdrew his hearing. So there was one yet normal… wait… "Gay?" Celeborn shut his mouth tightly, cursing his slip. He had not meant to say the word aloud. 

The seven oddities of the Fellowship now turned to the Elf Lord. Celeborn shifted under their stares. 

Legolas plucked invisible dust particles from Arwen's dress he was wearing before speaking. "Eh?" 

Celeborn coughed. "Are you all… of the *other* persuasion?" 

"Bah! Elf sense is *no* sense," Gimli said gruffly, fingering the long braids of his beard. 

The plump Hobbit, next to the Ring Bearer giggled softly. The other reprimanded him with a gentle warning tap. "Samwise," he said quietly. 

Sam immediately straightened and stopped laughing. "Sorry, Master," he stroked Frodo's shoulder lightly. 

The Lord of 'Lorien blinked before sighing. /Strange indeed… A gay Dwarf, masters… cross-dressing… Elrond, this is the last time I buy into your foolish plans./   
  
"It has been drawn to my attention," the Fellowship and Boromir turned to him again, "that you are all of some unusual tendencies. Need I mention the Garrison?" 

Legolas blushed deeply and hid his face among a fold in Aragorn's stolen dress. Aragorn coughed lightly, patting the Mirkwood Elf on the back. 

"Ai! 'Twas an Elf that commented first on my height! I had to defend my image." Gimli said sternly. 

Celeborn did not want to think of where he had seen the Dwarf that night, or of how many legging strings he was rumored to have pulled out with his teeth… 

"For the sake of keeping matters simple, I will only ask which of you is—" he coughed delicately—"gay." 

Aragorn attempted a menacing stance, yet failed miserably. Mayhap 'twas the lace collar of the dress… or the fine shoes he wore… "What business is it of yours?!" 

"Estel, is not this my Wood? Are those not my grand-daughter's dresses?" Aragorn blushed angrily. "My point. I have a right to know," under his breath, he added, "and I would like yet another lament to add to the letter I will be sending Elrond." 

Aragorn looked to his partners, catching the nervous gazes of them all. For one reason or another, none seemed comfortable with the fact that the *Lady* of the Wood would eventually learn of the Fellowship's… ways. She was scary; who knew what she could do from information like that? 

Frodo looked to the Lord timidly. "A moment, your majesty?" 

Celeborn sighed, waving them away with his hand. 

The seven huddled together in a… huddle… and whispered fiercely. 

Boromir sighed deeply, looking towards the sky and angrily glaring. 

Celeborn's mind drifted to the long letter he was to write Elrond. Sending this lot to save all of Middle Earth. Right. Celeborn knew it *was* possible for an Elf to become senile. 

Celeborn was ripped from his musing as he heard soft music cue. He looked around the pavilion. Somehow, the light was dimmed, directed only at specific spots around the area. At once such spot stood Aragorn, looking dramatically at the ground. 

/Different dress… Matches his hair better than that one of Arwen's…/ Celeborn thought absently, still wondering were that music had come from. 

Slowly, Aragorn looked up, looking intensely at Lord Celeborn. 

"Yeah…" Celeborn turned to see another beam of light focused on the Mirkwood Elf. He, too, had changed dresses, this one much more revealing… had he a chest to reveal, that is. 

Aragorn sauntered closer to the Elf Lord. It took the Lord a few moments to realize he was singing softly. "We are on fire /We have desires /But one is *that* way /One Fell'ship Boy is gay." 

Legolas stepped forward, up to Aragorn's side again. " But we don't want to be mean," He sang in a gentle voice, "Since now he's a Queen /Don't ask, please: /Which Fell'ship Boy is gay?" 

Celeborn stared oddly at them but could not hold his curiosity. "Tell me who!" 

The plump Halfling stepped into his own beam of odd light. "Ain't sayin' that it's Frodo," 

/I didn't know Halflings sang…/ Celeborn's brow drew close. "Tell me who!" 

Another stepped up. One of the cousins. "Ain't sayin' that it's Pippin," 

Celeborn sighed. This was going nowhere. "Tell me who," he sighed. 

Legolas swayed his hips to the rather lively music that had sprung up during their singing. "I never wanna hear you say," 

"Which Fell'ship Boy is gay." They all chorused. Even the Dwarf. This was odd. 

The Ring Bearer moved to stand in Samwise's light. "Now I can see him," he sang timidly, growing bolder with each word. "He's in Arwen's clothes," 

Celeborn turned to Aragorn and Legolas, /Well… that explains a lot./ 

The Dwarf grunted, no light falling on him, yet he sang out roughly anyway. "But he fit in 'em better than she," 

"Yeah," chorused Aragorn. 

The Halfling by the name of Pippin stepped forward, accent lilting his words. "He likes pretty Elf Boys," 

Pippin's cousin joined him in the light. "And pol'shing their arrows," 

The two grinned at each other before belting out, "He's often upon his knees!" 

Aragorn blushed deeply, coughing. Legolas smiled sweetly at him before swaying to the music again as he sang. "Cause he is on fire /His back perspires," 

The Hobbits and Dwarf backed Legolas with: "Won't say… won't say… won't say…" 

Celeborn stood in annoyance, a bit flustered as he had begun tapping his fingers to the catchy song. "Who's gay?!" 

Merry sang loudly, "He's always sayin'," 

Frodo stumbled over the next lyric, blushing furiously. "Ain't nothin' but a butt ache," 

Samwise grabbed his hand, with a smile he sang, "Ain't nothing but a fruit cake!" 

The Halflings all giggled. Gimli turned to Lord Celeborn. 

"I never wanna hear you say," 

Legolas echoed, "I never wanna hear you say," 

Aragorn leaned against the fair-haired Elf. "Which one of us is gay." 

Celeborn outright demanded: "Tell me who!" 

Legolas shook his head in time with his rump. "Ain't sayin' that it's Gimli," 

The Hobbits added a giggled riddled, "Whoa," 

"Tell me who!" 

Aragorn smirked at Celeborn's frustration. "Ain't sayin' Sam or Leggy," 

"Tell. Me. Who!" 

"He's bakin' up a soufflé," 

Sure enough, a tender pastry appeared before the Lord of the Wood… how, he did not know. Damn these lights! 

All the Fellowship chorused, "Which Fell'ship Boy is gay?" 

Boromir ran toward Celeborn, a light beam trying adamantly to follow the sprinting man. "Okay! We're ALL gay!" He panted, hands resting on his hips. 

Celeborn blinked. He sat quickly. The lights returned to normal as the music faded. The Fellowship all stood anxiously, watching the Elf Lord. 

Celeborn continued to sit, staring at nothing. /Music… singing… sauntering…/ 

"Lord Celeborn?" Legolas ventured, adjusting his tight dress nervously. 

Suddenly, the Lord stood. With a glare that could wither Sauron himself, he stared into the trees, facing Imladris. "ELROND!" In a furry, he stomped off, everyone jumping out of his way. 

Legolas waited until the Elf Lord was gone before breaking his pout, giggling into the back of his fist. 

"What, love?" Aragorn wrapped the elf in his arms. 

Legolas smiled. " 'Tis not everyday you get to treat such a Lord to *such* a birthday gift." 

All of the Fellowship smirked, save for two cousins, who were giggling madly behind a tree… 

Boromir slid a hand down his face. "The people I'm surrounded by…" 

Off in the trees, Lord Elrond laughed silently, taking care to grasp the tree he sat in. /Perfect!/ He carefully stood, climbing down the tree and humming the tune. /I knew there was a reason I picked those eight./   
  


So how is that for odd? Fitting? It helps immensely to know the song… for the lyrics I modified and used in this in their entirety, look below: 

(Yeah…) 

We are on fire   
We have desires   
But one is *that* way   
One Fell'ship Boy is gay 

But we don't want to be mean   
Since now he's a Queen   
Don't ask, please:   
Which Fell'ship Boy is gay? 

Tell me who!   
Ain't sayin' that it's Frodo   
Tell me who!   
Ain't sayin' that it's Pippin   
Tell me who;   
I never wanna hear you say   
Which Fell'ship boy is gay 

Now I can see him   
He's in Arwen's clothes   
But he fits in 'em better than she (yeah…)   
He likes pretty Elf boys   
And pol'shing their arrows   
He's often upon his knees 

Cause he is on fire   
His back perspires   
(Won't say… won't say… won't say…)   
Who's gay?! 

He's always sayin'   
Ain't nothin' but a butt ache   
Ain't nothin' but a fruit cake   
I never wanna hear you say (I never wanna hear you say)   
Which one of us is gay 

Tell me who!   
Ain't sayin' that it's Gimli   
(Whoa!) Tell me who!   
Ain't sayin' Sam or Leggy   
Tell me who   
He's bakin' up a soufflé   
Which Fell'ship Boy is gay? 

Okay, we're all gay   


If you would like the original lyrics of Weird Al Yankovic's song "Which Backstreet Boy is Gay?" feel free to [email me][1] and I will gladly send them to you. Thanks for reading! ^_^   


   [1]: mailto:pattyd@c-zone.net



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